I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
