Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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