His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
