Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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