How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
