So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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