So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
