1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
