Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
