He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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