I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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