yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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