i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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