When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
