you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
