yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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