Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
