Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
