if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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