I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
