i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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