I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
