I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
