I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
