So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
