I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
