I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
