So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
