Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
