sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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