think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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