He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
