U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
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Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
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A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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