apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
