I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
