just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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