I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
