dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
