we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
