Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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