I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize
