I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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