Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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