Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
