well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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