I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
