Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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