here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
