Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
no, he came in my armpit
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
