he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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