I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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