...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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