Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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