Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
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We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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