If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
