you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
