i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
